Aviation Humour

Jokes

Tower conversations

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?"
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Just for everyone's information, Korso is a district of Vantaa, Finland.

It was a sunny day at EFHK (Helsinki-Vantaa) and a Finnair MD-11 was moving towards rwy 22L.

FIN MD: Tower, those photographers should be moved from their place...
Tower: Fin MD: They have a permission for being (a short pause)

FIN MD: Tower: They really should be removed.
Tower: Fin MD: They really have a permission...

(a pause again)

Fin MD: Tower: We're lined up on rwy 22L. Remove those photographers.
Tower: Fin MD: For the last time. They have a permission, so they won't be removed!

Fin MD: Tower: Ok then. Will be flying to Beijing and those boys will fly to Korso!

Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

Jokes

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?
- Don Taylor

Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them left alive.
- Ernie Pyle

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane.
Indiana: Fly yes… land no.
- Harrison Ford, in the 1989 movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

If God had meant Icarus to fly, she would have given him a cloudy day.
- Leon M. Wise

In America there are two classes of travel — first class, and with children.
- Robert Benchley

ENGINEER: I don't quite know what to say about your aircraft Sir. Let's just put it this way.... If it was a horse, you would have to shoot it.

Susan: So what did your husband say about you giving his GPS to the jumble by mistake?
Mary: Shall I leave out the four-letter words?
Susan: Please do.
Mary: In that case he didn't say a word.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Q: Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and God?
A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza?
A: A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a space pilot who lives dangerously?
A: Han YOLO

Q: What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?
A: Terminal illness.

Q: Why do 747s have humps?
A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet.

Q: What do you get when you cross an airplane with a magician?
A: a flying sorcerer.

Q: Wanna know how to make a small fortune running a charter airline?
A: Start out with a large one.

Q: What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
A: Pilot error.

So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

— ad found in 'Pacific Flyer' magazine, shortly after the F-20 program was cancelled.

A BA 747 pilot had waited for take off clearance for 45 minutes. A German 737 was cleared immediately. The BA pilot asked the tower why the German aircraft had been given clearance at once. Before the tower could reply, the German pilot came back with "Because I got up very early in the morning and put a towel on the runway!".

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passengers around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle. After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet you're not now!"

There is an art . . . to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. (I've got the whole passage)

When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane, only then you can go flying.
- attributed to Donald Douglas (Mr. DC-n).

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
- Benny Hill

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
- Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane, only then you can go flying.
- attributed to Donald Douglas (Mr. DC-n).

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.
- Jonathon Swift

Which is now a more hopeful statement than Swift intended it to be.
- Will Durant

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.
- Tom Stoppard

WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.

Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
- purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.

Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" The captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, "You have a clogged fuel line." Looking around, he sees no one, except a cow. Startled out of his wits, he runs across the field to the farmer's house and pounds on the door. When the farmer appears at the door, the out-of-breath pilot stammers that his cow has just talked--and even tried to explain what was wrong with the airplane.

The farmer drawled, "Was it a brown cow?" "Yes." "Did it have a white patch on its forehead?" "Yes, yes, that's the one." "OK, that's Flossie. Don't pay no attention to her. She doesn't know nothin' about aeroplanes."

Pilot

During the barnstorming era, a pilot is giving rides at the county fair in his open-cockpit airplane. A farmer and his wife stroll up to ask how much he charges. "That's outrageous!" exclaims the farmer, "Do you have any idea how much feed I can buy for five dollars?" When the farmer rants on about government regulation, taxes, bad weather, cost of repairs, and low crop yields, the pilot finally says, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you and your wife both for a ride if you can sit through the entire flight without saying a word. But if I hear even one sound from you, you'll pay double." The farmer agrees.

So the pilot stuffs them both into the rear seat and takes off.

After a couple of barrel rolls and loops, the pilot doesn't hear anything, so he starts into some serious aerobatics. But even after a few snap rolls, hammerheads, split S manoeuvres, and sustained inverted flight, the farmer doesn't talk, yell or cry out. When they returned to the field and landed, the pilot turned around to the farmer and said, "Well, I've got to hand it to you. I didn't think you could do it, but you got your free flight." The farmer replied, "I know, but for a minute I thought you had me there when my wife fell out."

Cherokee 180

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


Stumpy

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Holding for your money

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two hundred dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four hundred dollars worth!"

Who's talking?

South West was following United, taxiing out for departure. South West called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let South West go first". The tower promptly cleared South West for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

Landing roll

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with an approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If notable, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

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